Letter 1 to my Husband

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Henny Youngman

To my dear husband,

My dear husband.  You are my one.  Your smile and your personality shine so bright and genuine.  It always made me feel like it was this pure window into your soul.  One of your proudest traits was that you were honest and unchanging.  You didn’t lie to people, didn’t talk about them behind their backs, and you didn’t change for people.  And I loved that about you.  You had these beautiful broad shoulders that seemed to carry everything for me.  My worries, my stress, my furniture, and my hugs.  Your bravado, masculine attitude towards certain things was exciting and I always felt it balanced me perfectly.  It always brought me into your light, into your warmth.  And I always felt so special.  I always loved basking in your love and attention. 

You have always loved me as best as you were able.  Of everyone in your life, I was the one you came home to every day; the one you shared your hopes, fears and dreams with; the one that held you close and loved you deeply as I only know how.

I felt love and warmth and I felt… I felt forever with you.

But then I felt the anger. The resentment. The bitter.  The drunk. The manipulation.  The drama.  The criticism.  The hard parts. 

My husband, I am sorry I am not enough.  I am sorry I was never enough.  I am sorry that I stopped enjoying your hobbies as much as you did.  I am sorry I stopped drinking and hanging out with our friends.  I am sorry that once we had our child, I stopped feeling like I had the freedom to drink and socialize and chase hobbies as much as you wanted to.  I am so very sorry. 

I am a different person, and I realize that this older, new person, is just not enough for you.  And I am so sorry for that.  I am a product of our marriage.  I am a product of our life.  My life.  And I am so sorry that what I have become is not something that you can love.  These days I am either deeply hurt or ferociously angry by that fact.

Whenever we fought, you always told me that you could never make me happy.  Sometimes you screamed it.  Sometimes you said it with disgust dripping off of every word.  Sometimes you said it with raw, deep anger.  Sometimes you said it as a joke.  Sometimes you said it in front of our friends and family.  But you always said it.  And I always shouldered that blame.  I always took those words and kept them close to my heart, feeling like a difficult person and high maintenance.  And before long I was putting that blame on myself without your words or your help.

I can tell you despise me.  This bitter, angry emotion that seeps out of you.  I think it is misplaced, my love.  I think you are blaming everything on me and you hate me for it.  That makes me sad and regretful.  I really don’t think I deserve to be the scapegoat for our marriage.  And that makes me angry.

Some days, I think about our journey and I become so sad.  I let myself walk down this dark, lonely path and see everything with such a dark perspective.

Some days, I think about the happy and wonder what happened.  And then, like you even said to me once, I wonder if it was ever happy.  I know I was happy.  But does that mean you sacrificed your happy?

Some days, I think about the emotional abuse and the angry words and I let myself feel the anxiety and the emotional rollercoasters.  I allow myself to put a little blame on you.  And for a short amount of time, I feel free and liberated.  For a brief moment, I feel a little okay. I am sorry that I cannot do this right.  I really do feel bad about it all, and I am sorry I have not been enough for you.  I am sorry I have not been right for you.  And I am sorry that I am so very close to giving up because I feel so broken and tired.