When my husband left me, I weighed 290 pounds. I gained 100 pounds of that after the birth of my first child and subsequent increase in psychological and emotional abuse from my then husband. My job was killing me, my husband was cheating on me, my newborn needed more attention and energy than I had, and food became my only stress-relief.
That’s really hard to write.
Like, really hard.
When my husband walked out on us, he blamed a million things on the failure of our marriage, all of them my fault. The next day, I discovered he was cheating on me, and had been for a while, long before the weight gain… long before everything fell apart.
It has taken me two years since that day to be honest with myself and affirmatively believe that NOTHING I did and NOTHING I became was enough to justify his actions. NOTHING.
I’ve slowly lost some weight in his wake. It has felt good. Today, I am nearly 60 pounds lighter and have the weight of a destructive marriage off of my back.
I used to run on the treadmill and picture them… that weekend he had to go “work” in a town an hour away and happened upon some concert tickets and spent and extra night… I used to picture them together at the hotel. He left me with a newborn that weekend to go screw her. And he came back with these stupid concert cups to commemorate the concert… and kept them in our cabinet in the kitchen until the day he left us. Brazen bastard.
I used to run towards it all, churning out breathless miles on the treadmill. It’s draining, it’s painful and it’s not being good to myself. And it’s giving them too much headspace. And after the exercise, I eat my feelings again. Seriously, I do.
But I can’t continue to chase after my anger for him on a treadmill. I have to let it go. And I need to lose more weight and be healthy for those still in my life.
So, I’m trying something new. I signed up for a virtual race… I have to run/walk/cartwheel 149 miles (I started March 1) by April 18. That’s a lot for me… the “weighty” woman that always gives up on herself to pick up someone else’s cause (and a sandwich).
Instead of write about my ex-husband, or my recovery, or his mistress, or his other girlfriends, or anything negative, I’m going to positively chronicle my 149 miles.
That’s roughly 3 – 3.5 miles a day… and I’m not counting my regular daily steps… only treadmill steps or outdoor road running steps. If you’re one of those people that do 3.5 miles for a warm up, then I invite you to leave me some inspiration and tips! Or let me know about your own journey.
I have a treadmill that’s about 8 years old and does just fine. I haven’t named her yet, but after this, I might have to give her one! I bought some “new” running shoes from Poshmark for $25 that still have some life left in them (the Brooks Ghost is amazing, even pre-owned!)…
So… here we go!