Walking it off

Today knocked me off my feet. Today my dog won. Today I laughed a little. My dog has this amazing ability to smell every smell in the yard the minute he goes out the door. Then, he has this amazing ability to figure out which direction the best smells are coming from and go there.…

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home

What makes a home? I kept asking myself that question, over and over today. Was I a good wife? Am I a good mom? I kept asking those over and over, too. They circled and swirled in my head with no accompanying answers. I went to my old house today. The lost house. The failed…

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tiny boxes

I saw it. I saw your real smile the other day. I haven’t seen it in many, many months, maybe even a year… or two. You were three feet away and yet a million miles away from me and looking at your phone. I think you were texting with her. Or maybe you were looking…

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progress

Today I felt a little bit of personal progress. I was running an errand without my toddler in tow and I did not listen to angry music the entire time. I didn’t keep listening to Eminem’s new album over and over. I switched over to a little Collective Soul and Snow Patrol. And that was…

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autopsy of a marriage

I never know when I’ll start thinking about my failed marriage. When I’ll start looking to place blame on someone or something. To understand the exact moment when everything changed. Or maybe it was a series of moments. Sometimes I lie in my bed at night, lights off, eyes shut, and mind racing. Sometimes it…

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Notice: This is not a rollercoaster

I hate the expression emotional rollercoaster. I especially hate it when someone uses that expression when they talk about separation and divorce, or even dealing with a narcissistic, cheating spouse. It contradicts the truth of the emotions. A rollercoaster is something I choose to ride, and even sometimes pay to ride. I know the ride…

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shattered

I feel like a phony and a cheat. I have tried so hard to be strong and real and true to myself and my son. But I think along the way, I lied to myself (and cheated myself) a little. Here I am complaining that my husband cheated and lied to me about, well, everything,…

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interlude

Her fingers thoughtfully tapped the empty pillow next to her. Her eyes gazed slowly around the quiet room, the morning sun squeaking through the shut blinds, the dresser with drawers neatly and perfectly closed, the pile of clean laundry shoved into the corner; her eyes rested on the untouched, empty side of the bed. The…

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The rundown is… running me down.

Today I was telling a new counselor about my husband and my situation. I have found that it is a sad, disturbing thing for me… to give someone a rundown of the last six months. Or to give someone an update. I hate being faced with the silence of someone anticipating my answer to such…

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